Saturday, April 9, 2011

. . .peaceful!

A few weeks ago I learned that I had an enemy.  I've never really had an enemy before.  You know, someone who is truly looking for ways to harm you, slandering you and gossiping about you, sabotaging any good you might be doing, wishing and hoping evil toward you--a true enemy. 

I was shocked.

In fact my world kind of went spinning out of control and I didn't even know it.  All because of this enemy. 

The funny thing is that this enemy isn't even part of my life any more.  She is part of a world that I am no longer part of.  I didn't know she was an enemy and kept up with her blog.  Through Facebook I would hear of her because I'm friends with some of her friends.  The main part of her workings came as I was leaving our mutual world but I didn't know it at the time.  A friend recently told me about some things that were going on and some of the truth of the past came out. 

I was devastated.

I started doubting what and who I am.  Am I worthy to have friends?  It is my controlling nature that drives people away?  Are people even really my friends or do they just put up with me and sigh with relief when I leave?  I am irritating.  I talk too much.  I push and push to get my point across.

Then the Lord started to speak to me.  No matter what I had done, my words & actions could never make it "ok" for actions of my enemy--enemies.  Not if they truly were godly Christians.

I needed to get rid of the toxin of their influence in my life--I didn't realize it but I was almost morbidly driven to check out the blogs and FB updates and think--oh I used to be part of this group, she'll never call me her blessed friend again. . . ah, you get the idea.  I deleted their blogs updates from my home page updates, haven't checked FB--thanks to no online access at home (a blessing in disguise;-)~)

and a little peace came back into my life.

I talked with a friend who left our mutual world a year or two after I did and found out that my enemies had even more viciously attacked her and turned those in authority against her.  It was then I realized that we had been bullied by the "mean girls".  These girls look so sweet and innocent and godly and good on the outside but their actions and words toward those they choose to despise are so malicious and spiteful.  It was then that I realized that the self-doubting had come because of how I had been treated (not that I'm perfect by any means and there are definitely areas in my life that I need to actively be changing, but doubting my worth, thinking I'm not good enough to deserve or have friends, thinking that I only bring hurt and hardship in the lives around me not beauty or good).  We, my friend & I, had been bullied.  We felt little.  We feel like we might never trust anyone again.  We both have well guarded fences built that after two and five years have been breached by no one.  We were done wrong.

and a little more peace came back into my heart.

Up to this point, I had not wanted to let myself believe that my "friends" had been so hurtful.  I had made excuses, pointed the finger at me.  But looking back through this new perspective, I can see things so differently.  It hurts to think that my friends were not really my friends and to believe that they would actually be trying to harm me is almost unthinkable.  BUT seeing the past for what it truly was has helped me to see me for what I truly am and to give a huge burden to the Lord that never really belonged to me in the first place!

some more peace entered. . .

I guess God thought it was time for my heart to move on because this past week two BIG things regarding forgiveness have come across my path.  One was the movie Amish Grace about the shooting of 10 Amish girls a few years ago and how the Amish people chose to forgive the shooter and reached out to befriend and help the shooter's widow and children.  I've also been reading Body Clutter by Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely and yesterday's chapter was on forgiveness.  Wow!  writing out my hurt and anger and frustration toward these matters and friends/enemies. . .I didn't realize that I was angry or that I even needed to forgive them.  I mean, I knew I was hurt, that time had moved on, but I thought I was o.k. 

It wasn't until I had written everything out, and prayed, and cried, that a relief flooded my soul. 

And I felt fresh and clean again.

and peace came!

It's funny how all this had been buried so deep in me that it took all these little events and conversations--almost like putting all the little pieces of a puzzle together without the box to look at.  I feel like before all this happened that I was a whole, complete, happy person and then bit by bit I was smashed to pieces and then the Lord started picking them up and putting them back together but BETTER!  He cleared up my eyesight, gave me a bigger smile, filled my heart with a little more joy, stilled my mind with a little LOT more patience... almost like the bionic woman!  almost like breathing again--my corset has been taken off--whoo hoo!!!!!!!

I'm sitting here at Panera Bread with a cup of Hazelnut coffee typing away in peace and quiet--the last steps of cleansing my person.  My soul has been filled with peace and my person needed some peace as well.  I just needed to be away from being mom, wife, dishwasher, laundress, diaper changer, daughter chaser and have a few minutes of peace {sigh}

Well, I hope all of your worlds are filled with peace and contentment.

Happy Saturday to you!